I liked your story and especially enjoyed the idea of the monster giving the king want he wanted, but giving it in such a way that the granted wish became a curse. A couple of suggestions that I might make are to maybe add more illustrations. They can help with the flow of the story and break it up a little so that it's not just a single wall of text. Also, I don't want to be nitpick, but I have a bad problem with tenses when I write: making sure that there is singular/plural agreement and past/present/future. I always have to go back and look really close to make sure that I'm not slipping back and forth between the different tenses, so they always jump out at me while I'm reading. I saw a few places in your story where that happened, such as referring to the monster as them in the second paragraph instead of it. Overall, I really like your story and the choices that you made. It had a darkness to it that was fun!
I want to start by saying I thought this story was awesome! I liked the twist you put on it and how you focused on the importance of the children. I did notice a few grammar mistakes, like comma usage, but I think that proofreading again would help you find those quickly. I also read out loud because it is easier to find my mistakes. I also noticed a couple times where you switched back and forth between past and present tense. I probably wouldn’t have noticed but this is something that I almost always do. This was something that I had to fix throughout my entire story because others pointed it out to me! It is so easy to make that mistake, in my opinion. The twist that you threw on this story was a little dark, but I liked it. I am definitely one to enjoy a good thriller! Great job on your recreation of this story!
I love the way that you twisted the original story of how Dasaratha was able to conceive his children in 10 Heads. I feel like a lot of stories that go about providing a miracle of having children to someone who cannot seem to go about it in an all too happy-go-lucky way, so to speak. So a darker twist on that is refreshing. I also like the way that you started out your story. The descriptiveness and scene building really drew me in and made me want to keep reading! I do not really have much to add on that has not already been said before. I did notice one spelling error when writing this comment: you used "thrown" where you mentioned King Snow instead of "throne". Maybe that is too specific and nitpicky of me... As for your idea to continue on this story, I say that you should go for it! You have a good and interesting world set up, and I would love to see how you choose to continue to develop it.
Hey Brooks- I just read your 10 Heads story. I assume that because you called your site a "Portblogio" that your making a portfolio- so does that mean that this story won't have a sequel? Either way, I thought it was clever to pick up on the 'not able to have kids' bit. I think the layout of your site is one of the best I've seen. Everything is very easy to see and understand. When reading the story, I had a very clear idea of the original story which is a plus, and I felt like you stayed within the realms of the tradition which is also a plus. Overall, well done and I look forward to seeing more works from you (and hopefully a sequel to this story!)
Hey Brooks! I just read your story "10 Heads" and I thought it was awesome that you decided to take a part of the Ramayana that was mentioned and develop it even further! I was definitely intrigued by the twist you put on the story and how the monster knew exactly how to get revenge on King Dasharatha. I noticed some repetitiveness in the second paragraph when you said "But nobody has made it out from the bite. This legend remains unproven, as nobody has survived a bite." This part is sort of repeated, so maybe just take one of those sentences out or combine them :) I also think the story ended a little abruptly, but I also like how it leaves the reader thinking a little. If you wanted, you could add on a little bit about if the King actually got his revenge on the monster or how his kids did (or didn't) fulfill the curse. I really liked your story though and I hope you end up developing it more!
Brooks, I really enjoyed reading your Portfolio story on The Ten-Headed Curse. Your title was very intriguing already and I couldn't wait to see what you had in store! I haven't read this version of the story, but it was neat to see how you incorporated King Dasharatha not being able to have children and playing off of that in the rest of the story. I wondered how it would be if you had them fight each other, King Dasharatha and the Ten-Headed monster, it could've been quite an epic fight and still ending how you ended it. More dialogue on the King's end would be nice to see what emotion he could relay to the monster, aside from your descriptions. I did enjoy your descriptiveness, it really added to the story and I was able to picture it well! The only minor suggestion I'd make, would be to go through the spellchecker once-over and change a couple words here and there, it made for a tad difficult read. Other than that, I can't wait to read more of your stories! I like that you started with a pretty dark one!
Hi Brooks! The ten-headed monster was a pretty cool character. I love seeing people take characters with smaller parts and increasing their role. I think you did this well, making the monster interact with the king. You also took the part about him not being able to have kids and had the monster use it against him, which is also so cool. My favorite part is that the twins are going to be a boy and a girl. I wonder if you'll feature them equally? Will the girl be just as great a warrior as the boy? Will they kill the king together, if they do succeed in killing him? It'll be interesting to see how you handle that balance. I think it would be cool if the monster came back in nightmares when the king was sleeping, or if he tricked the twins into listening to his advice. It might help to make his role even bigger than you already have. This is such an intriguing idea, and I can't wait to see where it goes.
I really like the foundation you have so far, it seems like a slid starting place for creating a great project.
The thing that I liked most about your first story is the writing style you used. By using sgreat descriptive language and simple syntax, you made it easy for me to visualize your characters and setting, and I think that is really adds to the reader's enjoyment factor when reading your writing.
Content wise, I like the twist you added to the wish granted to King Dasharatha. It definetely darkens the story up a bit, and I think the dynamic between the King and his sons that are destined to overthrow him will be a fun and interesting one to explore.
Keep it up Brooks, I like where your story is headed.
Hey, Brooks! I really enjoyed reading your story. This was a really interesting way to retell the story. I didn't even think about turning the curse into something like that. You have a really great writing ability. The way you are able to describe everything in such great detail made it very easy to read and visualize. This is going to be a really interesting project and I can't wait to see how you build up the story and make his children turn against him. Good luck on continuing your story, I look forward to it!
Hey Brooks! First, great Portfolio title! Very punny:) Second, I liked your creative spin on Ravana! I think that by putting the curse on Dasaratha having children, you've created an interesting conflict that you could do so much with story-wise! In short, I love that you made Dasaratha's original blessing into a curse. I think the story could have been longer if you'd wanted it to be, perhaps with more dialogue? You could add suspense leading up to Dasaratha going to the lake by showing his anxiousness beforehand or describing the days leading up to it. Additionally, I would love to see your introduction! I bet you've got a great portfolio ahead of you, so I'd love to know what you're writing about in advance! Perhaps you could connect all of your stories in a way? Will they all be from the Ramayana or totally random? I think there are quite a few ways you could cleverly have all of your portfolio stories relate to each other.
Hi Brooks! I came back for your new story and I wasn't disappointed. You did a great job. I'm glad you had Nina have a happy ending and made the Kind die a deserving death. Then having them burn the kingdom to the ground was jus the cherry on the top. Are you planning on having the kids and Nina rebuilding their kingdom? Who will be in charge? Anways, keep up the good work!
Hey Brooks! I really liked the story of the 10 headed monster, I feel like I read a previous version of it from your standard storytelling assignments, but i like it as is right now. I think the story has a clear moral and it is a very nicely contained story. It leaves me wanting to know what happens next.
I also liked the second story. It has a much more epic feel than the first one and I believe this introduces a few problems of its own. First off I think the intro before the 10 years later should be a bit longer, maybe move the set up of how evil this king is to up there to section off the background info from the action. I also feel like the time jump could be worked into a more typical story telling format rather than almost an aside, besides for that I really do like the portfolio so far. your stories all are faithful retellings of their source material.
I read both of your stories and enjoyed them a lot! You are very good at providing a lot of detail and description, but also keeping your stories concise. It really kept me as a reader engaged.
In the first story It would be so cool if you wrote a "part 2" of the encounter he has with his twins when they over throw him. Will he raise the two twins? If so, how do they decide to overthrow his kingdom? You have left me wanting to know more about your story!
In the second story I wish there would have been a little more background knowledge given about the King and Nina's relationship. Was Nina more in love with the king than he was her? Or was there a specific reason that he decided to break things off with her? If there was a strong reason for his breaking up with her then it could help explain the desire for revenge that she has stored up for 10 years. If she's holding the grudge that long there is a good reason!
Great job :) I can't wait to read more of your stories through out the semester.
First off, I really enjoy your project title. It is fun and made me want to click on your project to see what it is about. I am a huge Portlandia fan, so that is what it made me think of, and hopefully that was what you were going for.
I truly enjoyed both of your stories. The Gift of a Curse was very well written. I would suggest isolating where you use dialogue. I see that you put the dialogue in all capital letters, but I think it would fit better to make all the dialogue separate lines. This would also help the flow of your story.
In your story, Fight for Democracy, I had a really difficult time finding something to critique. It is well written, entertaining, and flows very well. I suppose I would make the same suggestion of fixing the format of your dialogue in your story, but that is it.
Hey Brooks! First, I must let out an LOL for "portblogio." Also, I really enjoyed your story The Gift of the Curse. I thought to myself, the oxymoron in the title must make for a good read. Moreover, I felt like your writing used very strong adjectives which really helped me visualize the plot. Also, you've really displayed a strong imagination with how you circumvented the king not being able to have children. The only suggestion that I would make to your story would be to elaborate on the dialogue between the monster and the king. This can afford you the opportunity to add another layer to the myth or legend of the dragon’s powers. Moreover, I would also go into greater detail about the king not being able to have children in the beginning. This will make the dragon’s prophecy more compelling. But overall, I think you wrote a great story, I hope to read more stuff from you in the future!
Hello Brooks! First off, you are really creative with your title of your project! I never would have thought to use "Portbiogio". I think it is important to catch your audience eye at the beginning and you definitely did that with this title. I enjoyed reading "The Gift of a Curse".I like how you capitalized on the idea of family within this story. Since the King could not have children, it was great for your to put in your story how he became a father to son's. I think you should un capitalize the monster's dialogue and just add explanation points to express the powerfulness of the monsters dialogue. Other than that your story is great!
Brooks, I really enjoyed reading both of your stories! Your first story of "The Gifted Curse" was interesting to have King Dasharatha encounter the Ten-headed monster and be gifted with a curse, so your title is perfect for the story! I expected there to be a twist when the ten-headed monster gave King Dasharatha children. I liked your twist of them wanting to overthrow the kingdom as well. I'm intrigued by how there will be a war after the monster cursed him, I wish you could've continued it, though cliff-hangers are always nice! As for your story of the "Fight for Democracy," I like that you meshed two stories together, though I haven't read these original versions of them. It's difficult to do two stories-in-one and I've challenged myself to do so in a few of my stories, but it's super fun and the outcome is great when you finish it! I like that you had Sita's pregnancy in this for Nina to have her revenge, it really adds to the story. I almost wish there was more in the introduction as to why the King wasn't so interested in Nina anymore. Overall, great job!
Hi Brooks! I really appreciate the creativity with which you approached these two stories! I am in the mythology and folklore class and haven't read any of the original stories that you used, and your changed endings were so good that I thought they were part of the original plot until I read your author's notes! I especially like "Fight for Democracy" and how you combined two seemingly different stories into one world. I think using present tense for this story was a great way to heighten the intensity. The title of this story mentions democracy, and you also mention democracy in your intro, but the ex-girlfriend and sons make no mention of democracy. Perhaps they could make their intentions clearer during their confrontation with King Dave. That way, it is clear that Nina is fighting for both revenge and freedom for the people (if that was your intention). Also, I don't think the king's dialogue needs to be capitalized, especially since his dialogue is not the climax of the story. You've done a great job with the style and flow of the writing, and your stories were entertaining to read both for the quality of writing and for the plot changes you made!
I previously looked at your project nearly a month ago. Whenever I first looked at your project, you only had two stories, so I am glad to see that you have added another one. The story that you added, The Casino, is a great addition to the two you already had on your project when I had previously looked at it. You have done such a great job of tying the Indian Epics into the most random things that I would never think about doing! I thought your story was well-written and easy to follow along with. I may suggest, however, making it longer. There are a few areas where I feel like you are not completely getting your point across. For example, I think you could add a lot more description in the third paragraph to really bring the way Raksasha is intimidating others to life. Other than that, your project overall looks great!
Portbloggio was such a clever name for your project; it caught my attention when choosing a project to comment on! After reading all your stories, I thought they were also pretty clever and creative as far as interpreting them in different ways. I would maybe change the structure of your story: I think I would make a new line for every dialogue change. When a different character speaks, it would be much easier to follow if you made a new line when a new person is talking. Other than that, I wouldn't change that much about your content. Keep revising and your project will be great! Thank you so much!
Sup Burgin. I thought I'd check out your portfolio one more time before the semester ends. Your cover page is great. I like the main picture, it fits very well. Also the page is super easy to navigate so great job on that. Your stories are very creative and are all very clever ways of retelling some of the stuff we have read in class. The casino story is definitely my favorite.I mean, what is a casino doing in the middle of a mountain range? How do they get power? How do people get there? Is there a shuttle? Maybe a gondola? Who knows. Wild. Okay I think I've written enough. Great work QB.
Somehow this is the first time I've read through your portfolio! I really enjoyed reading it. Your stories are very interesting and creative. I especially enjoyed "Fight for Democracy" and “Gambling Away”. The original story in gambling away was one of the weirdest/best sections in the original epic. As for “Fight for Democracy” I've seen a lot of stories that combine one of the Indian epics with a more modern story. I like that you took a narrative from each of the epics and combined them. Your writing style flowed really well and kept me intrigued throughout your stories. I do think it was a little interesting that you had the 10 year old prince kill his dad, but I guess a lot of the heroes in these stories are really young. Overall I thought you did a really great job and I really enjoyed all of your stories.
Hi Brooks,
ReplyDeleteI liked your story and especially enjoyed the idea of the monster giving the king want he wanted, but giving it in such a way that the granted wish became a curse. A couple of suggestions that I might make are to maybe add more illustrations. They can help with the flow of the story and break it up a little so that it's not just a single wall of text. Also, I don't want to be nitpick, but I have a bad problem with tenses when I write: making sure that there is singular/plural agreement and past/present/future. I always have to go back and look really close to make sure that I'm not slipping back and forth between the different tenses, so they always jump out at me while I'm reading. I saw a few places in your story where that happened, such as referring to the monster as them in the second paragraph instead of it. Overall, I really like your story and the choices that you made. It had a darkness to it that was fun!
Hey Brooks!
ReplyDeleteI want to start by saying I thought this story was awesome! I liked the twist you put on it and how you focused on the importance of the children. I did notice a few grammar mistakes, like comma usage, but I think that proofreading again would help you find those quickly. I also read out loud because it is easier to find my mistakes. I also noticed a couple times where you switched back and forth between past and present tense. I probably wouldn’t have noticed but this is something that I almost always do. This was something that I had to fix throughout my entire story because others pointed it out to me! It is so easy to make that mistake, in my opinion. The twist that you threw on this story was a little dark, but I liked it. I am definitely one to enjoy a good thriller! Great job on your recreation of this story!
I love the way that you twisted the original story of how Dasaratha was able to conceive his children in 10 Heads. I feel like a lot of stories that go about providing a miracle of having children to someone who cannot seem to go about it in an all too happy-go-lucky way, so to speak. So a darker twist on that is refreshing. I also like the way that you started out your story. The descriptiveness and scene building really drew me in and made me want to keep reading! I do not really have much to add on that has not already been said before. I did notice one spelling error when writing this comment: you used "thrown" where you mentioned King Snow instead of "throne". Maybe that is too specific and nitpicky of me... As for your idea to continue on this story, I say that you should go for it! You have a good and interesting world set up, and I would love to see how you choose to continue to develop it.
ReplyDeleteHey Brooks- I just read your 10 Heads story. I assume that because you called your site a "Portblogio" that your making a portfolio- so does that mean that this story won't have a sequel? Either way, I thought it was clever to pick up on the 'not able to have kids' bit. I think the layout of your site is one of the best I've seen. Everything is very easy to see and understand. When reading the story, I had a very clear idea of the original story which is a plus, and I felt like you stayed within the realms of the tradition which is also a plus. Overall, well done and I look forward to seeing more works from you (and hopefully a sequel to this story!)
ReplyDeleteHey Brooks! I just read your story "10 Heads" and I thought it was awesome that you decided to take a part of the Ramayana that was mentioned and develop it even further! I was definitely intrigued by the twist you put on the story and how the monster knew exactly how to get revenge on King Dasharatha. I noticed some repetitiveness in the second paragraph when you said "But nobody has made it out from the bite. This legend remains unproven, as nobody has survived a bite." This part is sort of repeated, so maybe just take one of those sentences out or combine them :) I also think the story ended a little abruptly, but I also like how it leaves the reader thinking a little. If you wanted, you could add on a little bit about if the King actually got his revenge on the monster or how his kids did (or didn't) fulfill the curse. I really liked your story though and I hope you end up developing it more!
ReplyDeleteBrooks, I really enjoyed reading your Portfolio story on The Ten-Headed Curse. Your title was very intriguing already and I couldn't wait to see what you had in store! I haven't read this version of the story, but it was neat to see how you incorporated King Dasharatha not being able to have children and playing off of that in the rest of the story. I wondered how it would be if you had them fight each other, King Dasharatha and the Ten-Headed monster, it could've been quite an epic fight and still ending how you ended it. More dialogue on the King's end would be nice to see what emotion he could relay to the monster, aside from your descriptions. I did enjoy your descriptiveness, it really added to the story and I was able to picture it well! The only minor suggestion I'd make, would be to go through the spellchecker once-over and change a couple words here and there, it made for a tad difficult read. Other than that, I can't wait to read more of your stories! I like that you started with a pretty dark one!
ReplyDeleteHi Brooks!
ReplyDeleteThe ten-headed monster was a pretty cool character. I love seeing people take characters with smaller parts and increasing their role. I think you did this well, making the monster interact with the king. You also took the part about him not being able to have kids and had the monster use it against him, which is also so cool. My favorite part is that the twins are going to be a boy and a girl. I wonder if you'll feature them equally? Will the girl be just as great a warrior as the boy? Will they kill the king together, if they do succeed in killing him? It'll be interesting to see how you handle that balance. I think it would be cool if the monster came back in nightmares when the king was sleeping, or if he tricked the twins into listening to his advice. It might help to make his role even bigger than you already have. This is such an intriguing idea, and I can't wait to see where it goes.
What's up Brooks,
ReplyDeleteI really like the foundation you have so far, it seems like a slid starting place for creating a great project.
The thing that I liked most about your first story is the writing style you used. By using sgreat descriptive language and simple syntax, you made it easy for me to visualize your characters and setting, and I think that is really adds to the reader's enjoyment factor when reading your writing.
Content wise, I like the twist you added to the wish granted to King Dasharatha. It definetely darkens the story up a bit, and I think the dynamic between the King and his sons that are destined to overthrow him will be a fun and interesting one to explore.
Keep it up Brooks, I like where your story is headed.
Hey, Brooks! I really enjoyed reading your story. This was a really interesting way to retell the story. I didn't even think about turning the curse into something like that. You have a really great writing ability. The way you are able to describe everything in such great detail made it very easy to read and visualize. This is going to be a really interesting project and I can't wait to see how you build up the story and make his children turn against him. Good luck on continuing your story, I look forward to it!
ReplyDeleteHey Brooks!
ReplyDeleteFirst, great Portfolio title! Very punny:)
Second, I liked your creative spin on Ravana! I think that by putting the curse on Dasaratha having children, you've created an interesting conflict that you could do so much with story-wise! In short, I love that you made Dasaratha's original blessing into a curse. I think the story could have been longer if you'd wanted it to be, perhaps with more dialogue? You could add suspense leading up to Dasaratha going to the lake by showing his anxiousness beforehand or describing the days leading up to it.
Additionally, I would love to see your introduction! I bet you've got a great portfolio ahead of you, so I'd love to know what you're writing about in advance! Perhaps you could connect all of your stories in a way? Will they all be from the Ramayana or totally random? I think there are quite a few ways you could cleverly have all of your portfolio stories relate to each other.
Hi Brooks! I came back for your new story and I wasn't disappointed. You did a great job. I'm glad you had Nina have a happy ending and made the Kind die a deserving death. Then having them burn the kingdom to the ground was jus the cherry on the top. Are you planning on having the kids and Nina rebuilding their kingdom? Who will be in charge? Anways, keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteHey Brooks!
ReplyDeleteI really liked the story of the 10 headed monster, I feel like I read a previous version of it from your standard storytelling assignments, but i like it as is right now. I think the story has a clear moral and it is a very nicely contained story. It leaves me wanting to know what happens next.
I also liked the second story. It has a much more epic feel than the first one and I believe this introduces a few problems of its own. First off I think the intro before the 10 years later should be a bit longer, maybe move the set up of how evil this king is to up there to section off the background info from the action. I also feel like the time jump could be worked into a more typical story telling format rather than almost an aside, besides for that I really do like the portfolio so far. your stories all are faithful retellings of their source material.
Hi brooks!
ReplyDeleteI read both of your stories and enjoyed them a lot! You are very good at providing a lot of detail and description, but also keeping your stories concise. It really kept me as a reader engaged.
In the first story It would be so cool if you wrote a "part 2" of the encounter he has with his twins when they over throw him. Will he raise the two twins? If so, how do they decide to overthrow his kingdom? You have left me wanting to know more about your story!
In the second story I wish there would have been a little more background knowledge given about the King and Nina's relationship. Was Nina more in love with the king than he was her? Or was there a specific reason that he decided to break things off with her? If there was a strong reason for his breaking up with her then it could help explain the desire for revenge that she has stored up for 10 years. If she's holding the grudge that long there is a good reason!
Great job :) I can't wait to read more of your stories through out the semester.
Hello Brooks!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I really enjoy your project title. It is fun and made me want to click on your project to see what it is about. I am a huge Portlandia fan, so that is what it made me think of, and hopefully that was what you were going for.
I truly enjoyed both of your stories. The Gift of a Curse was very well written. I would suggest isolating where you use dialogue. I see that you put the dialogue in all capital letters, but I think it would fit better to make all the dialogue separate lines. This would also help the flow of your story.
In your story, Fight for Democracy, I had a really difficult time finding something to critique. It is well written, entertaining, and flows very well. I suppose I would make the same suggestion of fixing the format of your dialogue in your story, but that is it.
Good job!!
Hey Brooks! First, I must let out an LOL for "portblogio." Also, I really enjoyed your story The Gift of the Curse. I thought to myself, the oxymoron in the title must make for a good read. Moreover, I felt like your writing used very strong adjectives which really helped me visualize the plot. Also, you've really displayed a strong imagination with how you circumvented the king not being able to have children. The only suggestion that I would make to your story would be to elaborate on the dialogue between the monster and the king. This can afford you the opportunity to add another layer to the myth or legend of the dragon’s powers. Moreover, I would also go into greater detail about the king not being able to have children in the beginning. This will make the dragon’s prophecy more compelling. But overall, I think you wrote a great story, I hope to read more stuff from you in the future!
ReplyDeleteHello Brooks!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, you are really creative with your title of your project! I never would have thought to use "Portbiogio". I think it is important to catch your audience eye at the beginning and you definitely did that with this title. I enjoyed reading "The Gift of a Curse".I like how you capitalized on the idea of family within this story. Since the King could not have children, it was great for your to put in your story how he became a father to son's. I think you should un capitalize the monster's dialogue and just add explanation points to express the powerfulness of the monsters dialogue. Other than that your story is great!
Brooks, I really enjoyed reading both of your stories! Your first story of "The Gifted Curse" was interesting to have King Dasharatha encounter the Ten-headed monster and be gifted with a curse, so your title is perfect for the story! I expected there to be a twist when the ten-headed monster gave King Dasharatha children. I liked your twist of them wanting to overthrow the kingdom as well. I'm intrigued by how there will be a war after the monster cursed him, I wish you could've continued it, though cliff-hangers are always nice! As for your story of the "Fight for Democracy," I like that you meshed two stories together, though I haven't read these original versions of them. It's difficult to do two stories-in-one and I've challenged myself to do so in a few of my stories, but it's super fun and the outcome is great when you finish it! I like that you had Sita's pregnancy in this for Nina to have her revenge, it really adds to the story. I almost wish there was more in the introduction as to why the King wasn't so interested in Nina anymore. Overall, great job!
ReplyDeleteHi Brooks!
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate the creativity with which you approached these two stories! I am in the mythology and folklore class and haven't read any of the original stories that you used, and your changed endings were so good that I thought they were part of the original plot until I read your author's notes! I especially like "Fight for Democracy" and how you combined two seemingly different stories into one world. I think using present tense for this story was a great way to heighten the intensity. The title of this story mentions democracy, and you also mention democracy in your intro, but the ex-girlfriend and sons make no mention of democracy. Perhaps they could make their intentions clearer during their confrontation with King Dave. That way, it is clear that Nina is fighting for both revenge and freedom for the people (if that was your intention). Also, I don't think the king's dialogue needs to be capitalized, especially since his dialogue is not the climax of the story. You've done a great job with the style and flow of the writing, and your stories were entertaining to read both for the quality of writing and for the plot changes you made!
Brooks,
ReplyDeleteI previously looked at your project nearly a month ago. Whenever I first looked at your project, you only had two stories, so I am glad to see that you have added another one. The story that you added, The Casino, is a great addition to the two you already had on your project when I had previously looked at it. You have done such a great job of tying the Indian Epics into the most random things that I would never think about doing! I thought your story was well-written and easy to follow along with. I may suggest, however, making it longer. There are a few areas where I feel like you are not completely getting your point across. For example, I think you could add a lot more description in the third paragraph to really bring the way Raksasha is intimidating others to life. Other than that, your project overall looks great!
Brooks,
ReplyDeletePortbloggio was such a clever name for your project; it caught my attention when choosing a project to comment on! After reading all your stories, I thought they were also pretty clever and creative as far as interpreting them in different ways. I would maybe change the structure of your story: I think I would make a new line for every dialogue change. When a different character speaks, it would be much easier to follow if you made a new line when a new person is talking. Other than that, I wouldn't change that much about your content. Keep revising and your project will be great! Thank you so much!
Sup Burgin. I thought I'd check out your portfolio one more time before the semester ends. Your cover page is great. I like the main picture, it fits very well. Also the page is super easy to navigate so great job on that. Your stories are very creative and are all very clever ways of retelling some of the stuff we have read in class. The casino story is definitely my favorite.I mean, what is a casino doing in the middle of a mountain range? How do they get power? How do people get there? Is there a shuttle? Maybe a gondola? Who knows. Wild. Okay I think I've written enough. Great work QB.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteHi Brooks,
Somehow this is the first time I've read through your portfolio! I really enjoyed reading it. Your stories are very interesting and creative. I especially enjoyed "Fight for Democracy" and “Gambling Away”. The original story in gambling away was one of the weirdest/best sections in the original epic. As for “Fight for Democracy” I've seen a lot of stories that combine one of the Indian epics with a more modern story. I like that you took a narrative from each of the epics and combined them. Your writing style flowed really well and kept me intrigued throughout your stories. I do think it was a little interesting that you had the 10 year old prince kill his dad, but I guess a lot of the heroes in these stories are really young. Overall I thought you did a really great job and I really enjoyed all of your stories.
-Elizabeth